Who would have thought

that one move ONE MOVE would ruin three friendships.

First to .......

A friend of mine wrote not long ago: if I disappeared would you even miss me? I answered "I know of what you speak".
I know I am losing two good friends. No one's fault. Just circumstances change, people change. Yes, people change. Why I seem so often to be at the butt end of this I am not sure. (I guess that will be a whole 'nother blog huh, lol. OK, not lol.)
You get used to being first in line, first to share and share with.... but you can see and feel your own star dwindling long before it falls out of the sky.
I keep trying to tell myself that I HAVE been a good friend. I thought I gave way more than I took. I'm funny I'm caring. I *think* I am. But I guess people just....... change. The circle get redrawn and redrawn and redrawn until - well - it's not really on the same map anymore.
Ha you'd think I'd be used to it wouldn't you. Then whyyyyyyyyy is the adjustment so difficult? Why can't I be one of those cool people who just shrug and move on?
I want to be one of those people.

I have discovered

That the shower is an excellent place for sobbing. No one hears you, no one sees you, you have time to fix your eyes as best you can - and a cat is waiting to hug you when you finally emerge.

Ohhh it's just toooooooooooooo

too hard
too hard
too hard
too hard
too far
too many
too short
too little

it's just
too hard

Time to go

Go off and be by myself for a while. Withdraw from life.
There's a hundred things I could say and could ask but there are no answers no solutions so what would be the point.

The one left behind

When someone moves on, someone gets left behind.
I am losing a dear friend. In a way, my choice. (Strike first: defensive maneuver.)
The logistics just weren't working out anymore. I could pursue it further, harder, not let it die, but ... it takes two. A relationship takes two. Chances were given but not taken. One alone cannot sustain it all.
So, one moves on and the other is needed -well -not so much anymore. New things take on more importance so some other things will suffer.
Will it hurt, does it hurt? Hell yah. I feel the impact every day and I'm sure I will for a very long time to come. At some point even that will wane, they say that's how it works. Already have a number of scars, what's one more. Pffffffft. That's the risk you take when you care too hard, love too hard, try too hard .... you fall too hard. (Mom always said I was too sensitive, not that she was one to talk :) ).
Because the sun is always shining I will wait for the day that I can look back on these times with fondness and smiles, with wistfulness but no regrets.
I'll let you know what that day comes.

If I were a rich girl ...

You know what would be the absolute best? (besides not working of course!)
The ability to just buy things for people simply because you know it would be absolutely PERFECT. The perfect gift. You see it, you think voila! and say "wrap that up please".
Not because I want or expect anything in return, not because I've gone shopping with any particular intent, but just because I came across the perfect gift. Some might go a long time without getting anything, some may get them quite often, but that's not the point.
You just know it when you see it.